TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical development-slash-luxury property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Sure, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Rather than the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are chatting Damascus, the city historically known for historical culture, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It will be remarkable. Great!" Trump declared via a leaked golf cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed within the Placing inexperienced within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We've had gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. Many of the very best. But now, we're building them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and totally from area. Intended by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A 3-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • In addition to a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 a long time for potable drinking water. But yes, certain, let's have An additional spot in which American men can put on robes and phone it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are calling this probably the most audacious peace attempt given that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though preceding negotiations unsuccessful less than the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is easier: give Absolutely everyone a set about the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In line with documents posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is gentle power," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a deal and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock desires fewer diplomats and more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms put in in each unit. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination pointed out, "It is not that Trump shouldn't open a tower within a war zone. It truly is that he should halt applying it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested about the challenge, replied, "You know, person, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic men and women. Wonderful tan. In any case, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long term proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit with the Levant."



Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the lodge's landscaping forms a large Trump head seen from Area, a characteristic remaining marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents as well as chin is… nicely, categorized.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits right after locating the setting up's gold plating mirrored a great deal of daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It's not merely unpleasant. It is a war crime with curtains," said Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Puzzling Attributes


Perhaps the strangest ingredient with the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium in which company may well ponder obscure disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, finish with local climate Management set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Nearby Syrians are Not sure what to help make of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-yr-previous Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Tactic: "For those who Bomb It, They're going to Come"


The ad campaign, just lately leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxurious is Forever."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll carried out within a hookah lounge exhibits:



    Trump Tower Damascus

  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% explained "in which's the closest elevator into the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"


The venture is already attracting notice from Global investors, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll obtain three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage will even include things like:




  • A Dollar Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Determined by the Iraq War





Comment Area Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to wait around to determine a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades rather than rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a resort where my PTSD might have transform-down support."


A different write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian only asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Reports propose:




  • China may possibly open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to build a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Final Ideas from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that involved a few camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It desired gold. It necessary a waterslide formed like the Structure. I gave all of it a few. You might be welcome."

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